as much as i hate economics, i still would like to do well in the class. my future has been on my mind a lot (well, what's new. it always it) and i still have the same worries and goals that i did three years ago. I want my parents to be taken care of. I want my sister to be taken care of, even if she doesn't need it. I want to be able to provide my family the same support that they have given me my entire life. My mom is my lifeline, and without her I would not be able to live. She does everything that she does for me. My stepdad stuck around because he loves my sister and i, and he made a promise to my mom and us to get us through college. we might've had our ups and downs over the years, but unlike someone else, he didn't leave. my sister is like a young, bigger chested version of my mom. she has such a concern for my success, and i know she means it when she tells me she loves me. i do what i do for them, because seeing them happy that i have succeeded is what makes me happy. the root of all of this is money. money is what makes me happy, but not for what you would think. money is my goal because i never want to stress about paying a bill, or being able to feed whoever or whatever i end up with, husband, kids, dogs, or not. i've seen the results of that, i lived it, and even though i was young, i still understood it.
the plan i have for making the money part possible is to join the United States Navy. I want to be a lawyer, for the navy, dealing with humanitarian/war crimes. Some day, I'd like to be a member of the International Criminal Court. Currently, i'm studying international affairs to get me going on that. hopefully if things work out how i hope, i will be doing this all by 25.
i don't like the idea of love. i don't think it has a place in my life. i've been hopelessly crazy over someone for almost 3 years now, but japan is far away and this is not important. part of me has this crazy image of love in my head. a bedroom with dark hardwood floors, the sun shining in in the afternoon. white sheets and a huge comforter on the bed. an otherwise empty room aside from the bed. that's what i think of when i think of love. i don't really know what that means in the long run.
in the past few months i've gotten to know myself. two important friendships to me ended, and i am thankful. i am growing and learning who i am. mainly i have learned to accept being alone, which is a big step i needed to take.
on a daily basis i weird myself out. really, that is all it comes down to.